So as you know I’ve put my big humongous secret out in the open. If you have no idea what I’m talking about read this before continuing with this post….
It is such a relief knowing that I’m not the only silent sufferer…. But silent I will be no longer. And I think that by spreading awareness, I’m counselling myself……..
I had an *aha* moment when I published that post. Something in me let go when I published that post. I felt lighter, less burdened and life seemed brighter. I have heard and read about others that too went through this trauma and My Gloria, it’s liberating to know that I’m not the only one suffering in silence.
It’s one thing for people to offer support and a shoulder/ear and I can’t express my gratitude for the masses that have done just that. But it’s so awesome when you can talk to someone who knows exactly what you’re talking about. Or what you’re feeling or not feeling, I really really battle to express my emotions even when enraged. The tone that I project is only but a fraction of what I’m truly experiencing. Sad isn’t it. And I don’t do it deliberately. It comes naturally!
There are so many people out there who have been through the same/similar experiences; it’s actually horrific to think how common/often it happens. And it just gets swept under a carpet…. It sickens me to this day, just to think of it. But all of us are survivors. And we’ve found a way, whatever it may be to cope with our lives. Somewhere something had to give. And for me I still think that it’s my emotional development. I battle, really battle with my emotions! Nothing that anyone can say will fix.
My emotional development stop at age 8! In one of my therapy sessions I was asked how I treat my son. I shower him with cuddles/hugs/kisses/ and I remind him that I love him and that he is important to me. In the session, I could not even remember how I was treated. I don’t remember being hugged/kissed, not even by my own mother. I don’t remember her being affectionate towards my brother either. It emerged that I have blocked many memories and even up until today, there are many things that I have no recollection of.
I’ve asked Melinda, at Diaries of a white mother raising a black baby, if I could link her post to mine. She agreed but I also wanted share some of the email:
Sharing our stories is the most liberating thing. I think the thing that keeps us trapped is this huge sense of shame and secret we walk around with
We are not alone. There are more people who have gone through this than we know and if we can tell our story without fear of being judged and heal some of the hurt then why not!”
So if you haven’t read her story go check it out My greatest fear
To all survivors
I sit and wonder, way too often, who I would’ve been. How my life would’ve been. But then I remember my Dude & Dudie, they are my greatest blessings. And it is, in fact, for them that I persevere. I often feel lost in the world. But I do have an unexplainable urge to live! I will take it in my stride to face the world day by day. And whilst my urge is burning, I will push on. As for finding my voice, I don’t know if I’ll ever find it. What I do know, is that I will live MY Life!