Finding Nemo… Just kidding. Finding Closure (Take 1billioneth something something)

I’m slowly realising where my problem lies, and it is in fact not entirely my fault. I was bred/reared/raised this way. What I need to rectify is that I need to consciously try not to make the same mistakes. And not want to retreat every time I have a confrontational situation with family. I’m good at dealing with confrontation/conflict in my workspace/world but as soon as it involves family – I crumble. i could be putty – I kid you not! There is something seriously off with “that” behaviour and for some weird reason I can’t justify/explain it.

<Parents do you know how you can damage/traumatise/fck up a child during their formative years. And let’s not even get into the therapy bills that child will have as an adult.>

 Life has been relative ok, some minor challenges but if I look back it all seemed normal. Accept for when you’re in the moment and everything is happening to you and you get stuck in the traffic everyday for 2hrs minimum, then finding that happy space is extremely difficult. Just this morning my darling Dude, bbm’d me. Message was that I should be calm and it’s because we’re allowing a certain negative energy into our lives, hence we’re attracting it. And like in the Bad Boys movie, I should Woosa(not sure of spelling).  My response: Woosa’s mother! See how far I’ve drifted from my happy space.

Well I got to the office in one piece, after I sat in the car just regrouping for 20minutes. I seriously considered going back home and crawling into bed.

Back to the topic…. My parents fucked up! And they did this very royally. And they still continue to do so.

A little background info:

I am the eldest of two kids. I was born out of wedlock to a 19 yr old mother and 18yr old father. My brother is 9yrs younger than me.  I might go into other details some other time but basically, our family was fucked from the word go!In no way am I saying that having kids young/out of wedlock is skewed, it’s just my opinion of my immediate family. The relationship was volatile to begin with, it seems. All the arguments/drinking/screaming/shouting/cussing. It just didn’t seem healthy.

<I’m battling to write this as I’ve never written this before and only a very very select few know this>

My father sexually fondled me at the age of 8yrs. My mother was highly pregnant at the time. We seemed relatively “well off” as we were always fed/clean/well dressed/ always got what we asked for/etc… But as long as I can remember, I always said that I’d rather be poo and be happy than live like this! I was and still am so unhappy that I had to live like that. I really can’t accept that it wasn’t my fault. What could I do. I did have the “no one cares” feeling ‘cos why wouldn’t other family say/do something!!!! But they never knew what happened behind those walls. Only until recently, two family members learnt the “actual” truth. One had a half truth and one was completely dumbstruck when I explained the situation. Oh, and yes, she’s still married to him….20yrs later

I started therapy a good few years back, apart from the session that my mother took me to after the abuse. 8yr old child into a session with the mother. I too am a mother. And after years of battling my emtions. Not knowing what is going on with me, I realised that when my child was born, I will protect him with everything I’ve got! Against anyone wanting to harm him. I realised why I never had that “connection” with my own mother. She never protected me. She let me down. She disappointed me. And nothing she says can ever change that. She chose to put me and my brother second! And it really seems as if she doesn’t see what this did/is doing to us. She’ learnt this pretend lifestyle that she’ll beat even the highest paid hollywood actress with her show. She’s that good.

So there you have it. I’ve tried and tried to find my closure as this part of my life always creeps up on me. I’m sitting here and wondering exactly how I’m suppose to just move on with my life when this cloud hangs over my head constantly. I’ve these feelings of just not ever speaking to either of them again. I dread having to see them at family functions. I’d rather not go. I really can’t bring myself to call them mother and father anymore…

My brother and I have started working on our relationship. It’s going, with some cracks. But it’ll take some time to find our groove as we’ve literally not been in touch, properly, for years. On a different note, he’s about to graduate. He’s 20 and he’s baby girl is 3months old. I went cold when I heard the news of the pregnancy, as I thought, history is repeating itself. His daughter is going to visit that house with my father there. I’m scared shitless for this little girl. I don’t know whether to tell my brother now and this is why:

1. He’ll probably lose it and the end result might be something that no one can solve/fix/resurrect

2. He will not graduate at the end of the year so all his time studying is wasted…. What about his girlfriend and their baby

3. When do I really tell him or do I just wait for him to ask me what happened…

This post is quite confusing. And before I decided to keep this secret with me I’m publishing

‘cos that’s how we rolled – State secrets and all. The Gov.ernm. ent have nothing on us….

BUT that’s not how I want to roll………….. So this is me trying to find my own little sense of closure…

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5 thoughts on “Finding Nemo… Just kidding. Finding Closure (Take 1billioneth something something)

  1. Good God! I need a moment just to digest all that I’ve read above.

    Firstly, I’m so sorry! Sorry that this happened to you! Sorry that your mother never protected you! Sorry that your mother, still today, does not protect you! Sorry that you are forced to face them! Sorry that this (obviously) causes a huge black cloud in your life that you take with you everywhere!

    WRT your brother’s baby… as her Aunty, as her extended family, what sense of responsibility to you feel towards protecting her? Would not telling your brother, and placing your niece in danger, ultimately make you like your mother? Not protecting her?
    That statement is by no means meant as a judgement, just me thinking out loud and obviously, the reality of the situation is that whatever you decide to do, it will be so much harder than writing it in a blog post.

    As for your parents, do you have to have a relationship with them? If it’s toxic and causing you so much pain, would it not be better to walk away?

    I’m so sorry Love! As one mother to another, I agree with you, above all else, our number one responsibility as a parent is to protect our children!

    I just ache thinking about how this must have been for your 8 year old self, that is still trapped, still scared and still hurting, inside you as an adult!

    (((hugs)))

    • Thank you S! I’ve been bluffing myself thinking that all is ok when in fact it’s not. With regards to my brother and my niece, I have no idea how I want to handle the situation.
      There is no relationship. And yes, it’s toxic. And I think I’ve known for a while what needs to be done, I was just not “man” enough to do it. Part of me wants to say, ok so it happened, what now. Let’s open the wound, once and for all, scrape it and clean and move on. But part of me wants to say Fuck off! Don’t look at me.

      I need to wrap my head around all of this and figure out how/which direction I’m going to steer my life. I am inclined to say that I should just not speak to them ever, and years from now when my son asks what happened to them, I’ll explain…

      There is no easy route here. No matter what is said/done, there’s going to be a lot of heartache…

      P.S. I read your comment soon after you posted but I was too emotional to respond. I’ve realised that this is way more serious than what I could ever imagine. This is me setting that little girl free!

      • Oi! I’m so sorry if my comment hurt you, it was never my intention, I hope you know me “well” enough by now to know that I’m just not a sugar coat type of girl.
        I know this probably isn’t helpful, and you probably have, but have you had therapy to help you deal with this?
        In my humble opinion, half the reason why you are struggling is because you’re blaming yourself for what happened and for the damage to your relationships because everyone else is carrying on as if it’s fine and wasn’t a big deal and you’re beating yourself up because you just can’t get over it when everyone else has. But it IS a big deal. Your parents failed you! Sorry if that sounds harsh! But it is what it is, plain and simple! And if making a clean break, at the very least, until you’ve had a chance to sort it all out for yourself, then that’s what you should do.
        Take care of yourself now Love, in doing that you’ll also be taking care of those most important to you, Dude and Dudie!

      • Your comment didn’t hurt me 🙂 It never even crossed my mind! I love that your oipinions are honest. Correct, I somehow always think that maybe I should’ve done something different? Yes, they failed me, big time. And yes it is a big deal. But as you said, everyone carries on as if nothing happened. I want to stand on a podium and shout… WTF! Am I the only one who can’t move on. Am I the only one who remembers this? Am I the only one living with this trauma? It really irks me that they have this nonchalant “life’s great’ attitude. I’m so done pretending.

        I have a few decisions to make soon……

  2. […] put my big humongous secret out in the open. If you have no idea what I’m talking about read this before continuing with this […]

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